“No Balls In The House…Unless They’re In Your Pants” & Other Rules For Raising Boys

When you have three sons you have to make rules like:

“No balls in the house…unless they’re in your pants.”

Well, this backfired on me and turned into a ‘where babies come from’ discussion. Did I mention it all happened while we were walking out the door for school? Let me set this up so you can see how badly I was stuck.

The scene: All three boys (ages 10, 8, 4) going through the usual routine of “I can’t find my shoes/backpack/hoodie” dance. Sprinkle in a little “Do I really have to go to school today?” all squished between the kitchen, mudroom and the tiny hall where we are all trying to squeeze out to the garage.

My middle son, ever the smart-alack, says “Mom, you know your rule about no balls in the house unless they’re in your pants? Well, Bro (the new kitten) has balls and doesn’t wear pants.”

Now listen carefully to where I royally screwed up.

Me: “The kitten doesn’t have balls.”

Middle: “Why?”

I start to realize the hole I’ve dug for myself at this point.

Me: “Because he and our dogs had a surgery so they can’t have babies. Remember all those animals at the humane society without homes? It’s so there aren’t more unwanted pets.”

Nailed it! Crisis averted…oh no. Youngest is crying.

Youngest: “I want Bro to be a daddy!” said with huge, crocodile tears.

Middle: “But why do the boys need surgeries? They don’t have babies.”

Tread lightly; we’re already late to school. Don’t start big discussion.

Me: “Umm…because you need a mommy AND a daddy to be parents.”

At this point the Oldest, who is always running late, comes around the corner with a smirk on his face. I think he maybe understands the birds and the bees more than I want him to. Oh great. I give him a look to ‘stay out of it. Please don’t make this worse. Mommy’s dug a big hole that she’s desperately trying to get out of.’

Youngest: “But I want baby kitties and puppies.” (He’s crying hysterically at this point.)

Middle: “Mom, only Lola (our girl dog) can have babies, right? Then why do Bro and Jasper (kitten & male dog) need to take the balls out?”

Me: “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

Please just get in the car!

Youngest: “Mommy, why will they take my balls out?!!”

I’m panicked at this point.

Me: “Oh, Sweetie! Nobody’s going to take your balls out. I promise!”

Youngest: “Good, because I want to be a daddy.”

Me: “Good, because I want to be a grandma someday.”

Middle still has a puzzled look on his face as I rush them all out to the garage and into the car. Oldest is still smirking at me.

Don’t even begin to ask about the time when I told them to stop junk-punching each other because I want to be a grandma someday. I know! I should have known better!

7 Replies to ““No Balls In The House…Unless They’re In Your Pants” & Other Rules For Raising Boys”

  1. Oh goodness – what a great blog! I read this entry, then read it to my husband and he is still laughing too! Keep up the good work!

  2. Very funny, Heather. I can see that you definitely got yourself into some tricky business opening up this testosterone laden discussion. Love the rule about no balls in the house unless in your pants!

  3. Haha – hilarious! Haven’t had these discussions with mine yet! Now glad my cat is female! She is spayed, but not like the kids would know – nothing visible removed! Bless the little one thinking his balls would be taken when he’s older!

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